The Wedding Speech Formula

A how-to guide to prevent you from committing any gaffes at the mic

Photo by Thomas William on Unsplash

Greetings from Lewiston, NY! I’m currently a stone’s throw from Niagara Falls for a family wedding, the same place where I delivered a best man’s speech for my brother 8 years ago.

Luckily, I was off the hook this weekend, but I know there were at least four people feeling the same as I did years ago. Pacing the room, second guessing their phrasing, and anxiously practicing the speech in their head every free moment of the wedding weekend. 

I’ve delivered a best man speech myself, ghostwritten a friend’s wedding speech on an hour’s notice, and attended countless tours of “Black Tie Optional” with opening act “Summer Cocktail Attire” since I was a kid.

Needless to say, I’ve been to enough weddings to know which relative, from which side of the aisle, is most likely to be brought to tears of joy or most likely to follow you to the bathroom for a few words after your speech.

So if you’re slated to deliver a wedding speech this year, here’s a tried and true way to deliver a touching one without getting touched by an angry mob after.

*Aside from the first two rules, these can be completed in any order.

Introduce yourself and your relationship to bride/groom. 

This ceremony is potentially a collection of two people’s whole personal and professional circles, plus their parents' closest circles. Don’t assume everyone knows your name, or why you are the chosen one at the mic.

To avoid losing the crowd early on and to quiet table whispers of, “wait, who the hell is that? How do they know each other?” just introduce yourself. A simple “for those of you who don’t know me, my name is ‘x’ and I am the bride/groom’s ‘y’ is all that’s needed.

Thank the Families and Guests

We’ve all been there. Forced to sit through a speech that is nothing more than a monologue. The blinders go on and the speaker forgets there are a couple hundred people in the room.

This is not a one-on-one speech. The easiest way to remember this is to be gracious to everyone who is about to listen to you. Thank them for coming, for traveling, and for putting this event together if they are the ones who paying for all the lovely food, drinks, and music.

The easiest way to have crickets during your speech is to never address the crowd.

Compliment the Bride/Groom (The One Who Didn’t Ask You To Speak)

Remember, you’re celebrating a couple, not just the one who asked you to speak.

This should be an easy one to complete. “You look beautiful/handsome/amazing today”. “You’re such a wonderful person, I’m so happy my friend/sibling/other found you.” 

Tell An Innocent Joke

INNOCENT jokes people. This is where wedding speeches fail most often.

The moment you go blue, you’ll lose the audience. No jokes about exes, stag parties, or bachelorette bawdiness.

Even if your relationship with this person is normally like a Friar’s Roast, leave that for your own time together. Roasting someone in a small setting is not the same as roasting them in front of every person they’ve ever known on one of the most important days of their lives. 

If you only pay attention to one rule, this is the one! You can be forgiven for ignoring all of the others on this list. People will say “you’re just a bad public speaker.”

But if you fail at this one, you may find yourself getting roughed up by an angry father, uncle, bride, groom at some point during the reception.

If you have to ask yourself, “is that too mean?” it is.

The Friar’s Roast may come back to bite you by this same group of friends every time you see them in the future.

“Hey, remember when Joe’s wife HATED your speech at their wedding?”

“Oh yeah, remember when no one laughed because they totally hated your speech?”

“Totally. My parents still ask me what the hell you were thinking and my wife hasn’t forgiven you yet.”

“Top 3 Worst Wedding Speech Ever.”

Share The Brief Story, Not The Full Memoir

If you walk to the mic with 5-10 handwritten pages, front and back, you’re doomed from the get go. It can be incredibly daunting to try and boil your entire lifetime with this person you love down to a few moments, but please do it. The crowd will love you for it. We are waiting for cake and dancing, not a blow by blow of your entire relationship’s highs and lows. 

When my older brother got married, I didn’t know where to start. I literally had a lifetime of stories to pull from. Eventually, I landed on the time I frantically called him from a pay phone as a kid, looking for help when a couple friends got jumped by some older kids at a Taco Bell.

Within minutes my then teenage brother was on our sister’s purple 10-speed, flying across five lanes of traffic, to stand in the middle of a neighborhood that was not ours, demanding to know who had thrown a punch.

Sound judgement and potential bodily harm might get thrown out the window at times, but he’ll have your back at all times.

That was the boiled down, Cliff notes version of what I was excited for my new sister-in-law to benefit from, and that’s really what this section is all about. If a joke needs to be told at someone’s expense, start with you. Then deliver the hero story for the bride/groom.

Your Hopes For Their Future, Witty Words of Wisdom, and a Raised Glass

These ones are pretty easy to lump together for your finale. Weddings are a forward looking party, so be sure to offer the happy couple your wishes for a bright future together. Make sure it’s a future the couple wants too!

I’ll never forget the Matron of Honor who wished for her sister to have lots of babies so her own kids could have cousins. She meant it as a joke, knowing that her sister and new brother-in-law didn’t actually want to have children.

Instead, it was immediate eye daggers from the bride. She soon spent the rest of the evening answering questions about how soon she planned to have kids.

“Happiness and health” are a solid go-to if you’re not sure, but more than likely someone else has already said it better. There are tons of quote books available with entire chapters dedicated to love and marriage. Find one there, or find the happiest couple you know and ask them what their secret to a happy marriage is.

And don’t forget to bring your champagne glass with you to the mic! You’re leading the toast, and the sooner you deliver it, the sooner the dancing begins!

P.S. Stay sober until after you’ve delivered your speech. Don’t turn into that puddle of drunken tears that can’t get through the first couple sentences.